Saturday, January 5, 2013

Brave face

Chance had a rough night breathing on the NIPPV. They had to bag him 2x which delivers oxygen manually faster than the machine does. Not long after I got here he de sated all his levels. Basically just quit breathing for a time. He's been so exhausted with all his energy going towards breathing that he was just lifeless looking. They do different things to try and stimulate them into breathing like flicking their heels and rubbing their back. It took a couple minutes to really get him good and breathing again. He wasn't like flatlined at any time or anything like that. They've been talking about giving him blood for the past couple days but his levels haven't medically needed it. I hope they decide to transfuse him today. That would help out his whole system.
After he got his breathing going I looked in and he just looked so uncomfortable. He was flailing his arms around and basically crying and throwing a fit. Which is good after being unresponsive and lifeless. They re situated him and he settled in.

I feel like I can't put on my brave face today. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I hate watching my baby in pain. I hate watching him have to struggle. I hate watching him cry out because he's uncomfortable and watching the nurses comfort him. I hate just watching all the time. I hate that I can't swoop him into my arms and comfort him like a mother should. I hate that i didn't have a normal pregnancy and perfect birthing experience. I did everything so right and it all went so wrong. I just feel so helpless. All this and knowing there's nothing I can. He's in the best place he can be. It just sucks. Ok there's my rant for the day.

Almighty God, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, come to my help and deliver Chance from this difficulty that besets him. I believe Lord, that
all trials of life are under Your care and that all things work for the good of those who love You. Take away from me fear, anxiety and distress. Help me to face and endure my difficulty with faith, courage and wisdom. Grant that this trial may bring me closer to You for You are my rock and refuge, my comfort and hope, my delight and joy. I trust in Your love and compassion. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

9 comments:

  1. I teared up right along with you reading your post. Remember you posted a while back that with a MicroPreemie, they would have their good days and bad days. It's just a setback today. God wants to see how you'll respond - if you'll just run to Him. I can't imagine how ya'll feel, Ash, but I can understand. You and Joc are so strong in the Lord with this and that's what He wants...ya'll to lean completely on Him. I don't know why, but I believe God brought this to mind when I read your post. I hope it encourages ya'll. *Hugs* and Prayers constantly!
    Love,
    Ryan and Melanie Cox
    Footprints
    One night I had a dream--
    I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
    and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
    For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
    one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
    When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
    I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
    I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
    there was only one set of footprints.
    I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
    and saddest times in my life.
    This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
    "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
    you would walk with me all the way,
    but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
    there is only one set of footprints.
    "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
    you should leave me."
    The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
    I love you and I would never, never leave you
    during your times of trial and suffering.
    "When you saw only one set of footprints,
    it was then that I carried you."

    ...Mary Stevenson

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I loved reading that, a great reminder!

      Delete
    2. :) Then it was God that brought it to my mind! I'm glad it helped! :)

      Delete
  2. Praying for you this morning.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So proud of how strong you and Joc have been! Praying for comfort for you and Joc. In addition, praying for Mr. Chance!
    Love,
    Megan & Ricky

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thinking about and praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I logged onto facebook the other day and saw you're expecting!!!! I'm so happy for you guys.

      Delete
  5. Praying for you and sweet Chance! You are so strong! I am so encouraged by your strength and faith. It's okay to cry, too! It's healing for you. Thanks for sharing your heart!
    Sarah Fears

    ReplyDelete
  6. praying for ya'll xoxo
    emyli

    ReplyDelete