Brave face

Chance had a rough night breathing on the NIPPV. They had to bag him 2x which delivers oxygen manually faster than the machine does. Not long after I got here he de sated all his levels. Basically just quit breathing for a time. He's been so exhausted with all his energy going towards breathing that he was just lifeless looking. They do different things to try and stimulate them into breathing like flicking their heels and rubbing their back. It took a couple minutes to really get him good and breathing again. He wasn't like flatlined at any time or anything like that. They've been talking about giving him blood for the past couple days but his levels haven't medically needed it. I hope they decide to transfuse him today. That would help out his whole system.
After he got his breathing going I looked in and he just looked so uncomfortable. He was flailing his arms around and basically crying and throwing a fit. Which is good after being unresponsive and lifeless. They re situated him and he settled in.

I feel like I can't put on my brave face today. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I hate watching my baby in pain. I hate watching him have to struggle. I hate watching him cry out because he's uncomfortable and watching the nurses comfort him. I hate just watching all the time. I hate that I can't swoop him into my arms and comfort him like a mother should. I hate that i didn't have a normal pregnancy and perfect birthing experience. I did everything so right and it all went so wrong. I just feel so helpless. All this and knowing there's nothing I can. He's in the best place he can be. It just sucks. Ok there's my rant for the day.

Almighty God, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, come to my help and deliver Chance from this difficulty that besets him. I believe Lord, that
all trials of life are under Your care and that all things work for the good of those who love You. Take away from me fear, anxiety and distress. Help me to face and endure my difficulty with faith, courage and wisdom. Grant that this trial may bring me closer to You for You are my rock and refuge, my comfort and hope, my delight and joy. I trust in Your love and compassion. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.